The Flu of Low Worth

By Jody Senna

When my children were quite young, my husband came home earlier than usual one day and was shocked by what he saw and heard. No, I didn't have the kids tied to the vacuum cleaner, trying to force them to help, but what shocked him was the way they were treating me! They were disrespectful, argumentative, and disobedient.

He sat them down and had a firm talk with them, and once they had left the room, he turned to me and said something like, "Honey, why do you let them talk to you like that?"

He was right, of course, but to be honest, this type of behavior had become so consistent that I had stopped noticing that they were treating me this way. It had become my new norm, and until he pointed out to me that I didn't deserve treatment like this, I didn't even notice.

It was kind of like when you get sick or feel bad. After a day or two lying in bed under a heavy blanket of fog, you forget what it was like to have the energy or feel healthy. Feeling rotten becomes your new norm, and you almost feel shocked when you start feeling better.

I tell you that story because, for most of my life, I chose to live under a heavy blanket, one that became such a part of me that I failed to notice that it was smothering me. It's strangling chokehold on me affected the way I thought about myself, how I treated myself, and how I believed others should treat me.

It was the lie that I'm never enough.

At some point in my childhood, I wrapped this lie around my shoulders, and although it was like wearing a heavy wool sweater on a warm Spring day, I thought it protected me. After a while, it became my truth, my way of dealing with life; I chose to snuggle down, give in to the lie, and not bother trying to get up or shake it off.

Honestly, I struggled with low self-esteem and self-worth issues for as long as I can remember. And even though I knew that a lot of what my head told me about myself isn't correct, I found it easier just to lay there, pull the blanket up a little bit tighter around my shoulders and believe the lies.

The lie told me that it was my only option because if I threw off the comfort of those covers, my flaws would be exposed, and I would fail in front of everyone. I didn't think I could bear that.

I allowed the lie to become more comfortable than the truth.

Trust me. I've read all the memes about how important it is to believe in ourselves. In fact, I'm pretty good at making graphics, and I've created quite a few of those myself! I know the right Bible verses, the right quotes, and I've listened to enough podcasts and read enough books on the subject to fill the library of Congress.

So why did I struggle with this for so long? I'd look at all the amazing women on Instagram who are putting themselves out there, posting photos of themselves, posting about the work they're doing and the businesses they're building, and end up feeling paralyzed and stuck.

I'd tell myself it must be easy for them because they're so pretty. Or the women are so beautifully thin. Or they're so smart and creative. Or "If I had a house like that, I could take great photos too." Pick one of those reasons, or excuses, or choose them all - they've all run around inside my head like a record player on high speed.

But none of those thoughts was the problem; they were excuses I made, so I didn't have to pull back the covers and join these beautiful ladies and risk being a failure.

No more! Having the ability to believe in myself didn't come overnight, and I'm still in process, but the good news is that I'm not going back under the covers, and I'm thrilled with the progress I've made!

Making these changes has been like working through a recipe so I could use it to create a delicious meal. To change what I believed about myself has required me to use ingredients of the highest quality. I thought I'd share a few of the "ingredients" that have helped me as I've been making the shift from "Not Enough" to "More Than Enough."

Change Dance Partners

There’s an old movie that I love with Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. Fred sings an Irving Berlin song asking Ginger to stop dancing with the guy she's been with all evening and start dancing with him. "Oh, won't you change partners, and then, you will never want to change partners again.”

Like Ginger, I had to look at who I had partnered myself with and then make a choice.

The lie that I would never be good enough had been such a convincing dance partner, twirling my head into a dizzy spin, then pulling me down into a dip - but the drop kept going down, down, down. Next thing I knew, I was crashing on the floor - my circumstances peering down at me, convincing me that this is where I belong.

So I made a choice: I wanted a new dance partner. I didn't NEED to dance with those feelings of insecurity and fear anymore. I chose to change my thinking and allow my brain to create new pathways that will enable me to follow my dreams onto the dance floor and glide into my future with strength and grace.

Now when the thoughts come rushing through my head, telling me I shouldn't even bother trying because I'm not pretty or smart like the women I see on social media, I turn my attention to the truth and away from the nagging fears. It's a choice I have to make multiple times each day, but I'm doing it! And the more times I choose to follow the truth instead of hiding under the covers of the lie, the more my brain follows the new dance steps. And now, I will never have to change partners again!

Stop Overthinking Everything

Another ingredient in my recipe for Confidence A La King has been for me to stop overthinking everything. We've all heard the quote: "Done is better than perfect," and whoever said that is one-hundred percent correct!

Why is it easier to work for perfection instead of putting our work out into the world when we aren't sure it's quite perfect? For me, as long as I keep working, I don't have to share. Or risk. So I plot and plan and google and look for better ways to improve what I'm writing, baking, or creating. Eventually, I forget about the project and move on to something new, never finishing the old activity. I've allowed fear to stop me from completing more projects than I care to mention. There's a word for this: procrastinate.

Procrastination. It's a word that's been around since the 1540s. Pro = Forward. Crastinate = Belonging to tomorrow. In other words, it's pushing off today's work to tomorrow.

To stop procrastinating, we have to drill down and ask yourself why our project is essential. Why is this relationship, this blog post, this business, this school project, this craft or art project vital to me?

Once you find its value, you'll have unearthed the reasons you need to invest yourself in it. And that will help you WANT to finish and help you choose to make progress instead of procrastinating.

Then you'll need to take steps each day towards your project or adventure. Stop researching the best ways to accomplish your goals and just get started! I had to begin valuing myself and my business to make time for either. And once I made that decision, setting goals and finishing them became more important to me than procrastinating. Even a small step each day is a step forward. Set a goal for when you want to finish and take steps each day to get you there.

Stop Comparing “Yourself” and the “Work You Create” With Others

Recently, an amazingly creative woman I know told me that she likes to create and help others, and she wants to be able to give away her services and not charge anyone. It sounded so noble, but I looked her in the eye and told her she's lying to herself. What she said is simply not true.

Here's the real truth: she wanted to give her valuable time and hard-earned knowledge away instead of charging for it because she didn't believe that her work offered enough value. She didn't think people would want to pay her for her expertise. I recognized the lie because I've told myself that same thing a million times. Listening to my friend was like hearing myself talk.

Why would she think her work wasn't valuable enough to help provide financially for her family? Because she was comparing her skills with the skills of others who are in her field.

We compare ourselves with others, and it's a worthless use of time. Occasionally we think we're doing better than someone else, but that could be because we don't respect that person. Or we're comparing our capabilities with someone who hasn't gone through our particular life lessons or taken the classes we've taken, so they aren't at our skill level. That's not a fair comparison, and instead of it helping us, it makes us complacent.

Or we look at what other women are doing or wearing or creating, and we come up short. As my mom used to say when she compared herself to her wealthy friend, "I feel like her poor country cousin." And don't we feel the same way when we check our Instagram account and see a beautiful house or a well-designed vase of flowers or

a fantastic vacation? What value is there when what we're making for dinner, or where we're going on vacation, or what we're wearing makes us feel like the "poor country cousin"? That's a trick question. There is absolutely no value. At all. So stop doing it!

Realize the value that your life lessons have provided for you, and don't cut yourself short. Believing that we have value and are valuable wherever we go doesn't come naturally. We have to choose every single day to believe in ourselves and think that we're enough.

Stop Apologizing

I'm sorry this post is so long, but this is a topic on which I am well acquainted. Actually, I'm not sorry, and that's a significant improvement for me! Last year I met with a fantastic Life Coach, and one of the first areas we worked on was my constant need to apologize.

You might have shown up fifteen minutes late to meet me for coffee, but I would be the one apologizing. "I'm sorry, did I get the time wrong?" Or maybe I passed you the salt when you wanted (but never clearly stated) the pepper? I'm so sorry!" And my worst one, "I'm sorry you aren't happy, what did I do wrong?”

I can't fix the unhappiness of others any more than I can be right all the time or not fail my loved ones now and then. I had to dig deep and ask myself why I compulsively apologized for the smallest things - and what I found was that I wasn't nearly as sorry as I sounded. Nope, what was going on was my need to be perfect; my fear of others seeing how flawed I am. Those were the main ingredients included in my sorrowful dish of reparations.

I was looking for my worth and value in what I could do and what I could "be" for those around me. And it needed to be perfect. How could others see Jesus in me if I was a mess all the time? An apology would get me off the hook (in my mind), and everyone would be happy again. Only it seldom worked out that way.

To stop apologizing for things I didn't do wrong, or for things I couldn't change, I had to let go of my strong, strong need to be perfect. It was rooted in the self- imposed fear that no one would want me if I couldn't perform up to their standards. And since I didn't know what their criteria were, I would apologize. And apologize again.

I almost had to start putting a quarter in a jar for each apology infraction. :-) Just kidding! But honestly, what helped me more than anything else was choosing to accept who God created me to be and accepting my flaws and the flaws of others around me. And to get over myself.

Now I choose every day to put on the fresh linen garment of praise and to put off the heaviness of the sweater of fear. I apologize when I make mistakes or accidentally hurt someone, but I've stopped cowering under the blanket of the flu of low worth.

We're parenting again, and my seven-year-old daughter knows that I make mistakes, and I freely own up to them. But with my new dance partner of security in who God made me be, and my letting go of the fear she won't respect me if I'm not perfect, have given me a joy in parenting I didn't know ever existed!